Why would I do something so vile?

Oh, give me a break…

It was part of a larger project, where I wrote a sales page every day for 29 days straight.

…and when you’ve been writing about “normal” products for 8 days straight, you need something to cut through the monotony.

Some more context:

I have a roommate, Jeremy.

He’s the pioneer of the Clean Butt Movement.

It’s not actually a thing, but I’m sure he’ll make it happen someday.

Jeremy has an attachable bidet on his toilet and a Squatty Potty under the throne.

The man cares about healthy poops.

And he’s a very strong proponent of wet wipes for cleaning the undercarriage after a fecal foray.

I hope Jeremy will one day create a product to provide better bowel movements and cleaner butts to the world.

Whether he actually directs his poop passion toward a product remains to be seen.

But if he does, Wallet Wipes are an option.

They’re wet wipes on-the-go.

Certain products like this exist already, but I think they can be done better — and you’re about to find out how.

So after writing about books, backpacks, and pit paste, I decided to take the logical next step:

Write about a product for the nether-est region of the human body.

Bold? Maybe.

Fun? You bet. It was a stinking good time.

So, without further adieu, let’s dive in.

Here are the 8 lessons from this endeavor you can use on your own sales page.

1. Your Headline Needs To Do A LOT Of Work.

One thing I like to do is take headlines through the 4 U’s text (shout out to Kyle Milligan for introducing me to this).

The 4 U’s are:

Unique
Useful
Urgent
Ultra-Specific

As you’ll see, the main headline just hits one of these. It’s Unique, but it’s not necessarily Useful, Urgent, or Ultra-Specific.

The one thing it does do well is grab the reader’s attention.

While it doesn’t immediately convey a benefit, it does jar you out of your trance and inspire some curiosity.

“Why is this guy talking about my butt?”

In some cases, curiosity has enough power to keep a reader moving down the page.

In this case, I think it works. But I’d be hesitant to put my ass on the line with JUST curiosity for most headlines.

Ideally, you’d hit as many of those other 4 U’s as possible and convey a big benefit for the reader.

That said, the subhead is pretty good.

It implies there’s something the reader doesn’t know, which means it sparks the reader’s curiosity.

Curiosity is the thread that ties a good sales page together.

Without it, people will stop reading — quickly.

Beyond that, the phrase “dirty little secret” (in addition to reminding us of the All American Rejects’ absolute banger) hits a few different, helpful notes.

The first is that the element of secrecy adds a layer of curiosity. No matter who you’re talking to or what they’re talking about —

Everyone wants to know secrets.

The second, and this is the most important one, is that it hits on the pain point the product solves (and you’ll see this played up throughout the page):

The implication is that the reader’s butt is dirty.

Beyond the obvious schoolhouse humor here, no one wants to be “unclean” or perceived as dirty.

But, by subtly hitting this pain point, we’re imploring the reader to continue to find out exactly what this “dirty little secret” is in hopes to fix it.

We’ll talk about this — and its ethical implications — more in just a second.

2. Choose Clear Over Clever.

At times, this sales page gets too clever for its own good. I’ll point those out in a moment.

But it also communicates very clearly at times.

Here are a few examples:

“It poops.”

“Toilet paper is the devil. There. We said it.”

“Toilet paper is not good at cleaning up poop. It’s too dry. Well, it’s actually completely dry. Because of that, it’s good at wiping, but bad at cleaning.”

What you’ll notice is that these aren’t inherently over-the-top claims. They’re just simple, straightforward sentences.

Because of that, and the fact that they’re about poop, they grab attention.

They also point out a clear problem with the reader’s current situation — one he may not even have been aware of — in such a clear way it inspires trust.

It makes you think:

“Oh shit. This guy knows what he’s talking about.”

But there are also sections where this page is too clever for its own good.

At times, it leans too heavily on humor as an engine. Not for the entire letter, but certainly with a couple sections, like:

“What Dat Butt Do?”

“An Incredibly Brief, Honest Assessment Of Hygiene On Uranus”

These headlines are clever, but they’re not addressing a reader’s question or objection, nor are they clearly pointing out a pain point or benefit.

I think the unspoken belief here was that, since I had so much fun writing it, people would certainly have fun reading it…

And I hope they do.

But the goal of a sales page is to sell.

And I think, at times, this page’s focus should have shifted slightly from…

“Make people laugh”

To…

“Make a sale.”

3. Open Loops Combined With Pain Points And Curiosity Are Like CopyCrack™.

The first open loop at the end of the lead is oozing curiosity.

…yeah, that’s a gross phrase. But you’re reading an article about buttholes. So who’s the real gross one here?

The open loop is at the end of this section:

The reason this open loop works so well is because it combines curiosity with the pain point the product solves.

Another reason this works is because it touches a nerve we all resonate with:

As I said earlier, no one wants to think of themselves as “unclean.”

But this open loop suggests that maybe we are. So you keep reading to find out:

1. If you are “unclean”

2. If yes, how you can fix it

This brings up the fact that there are a TON of ethical ramifications within copywriting. I’ll address my full thoughts on that in a future post.

But for now, I’ll say this —

As a copywriter, you have A LOT of power.

Good copywriting is like magic. It can be used for good or bad purposes.

I like using my powers for good. And I hope you’ll do the same.

(I don’t actually have CopyCrack™ trademarked, btw.)

4. Understand The Problem Deeply. Describe It Clearly. People Will Listen.

I’ve heard this somewhere before. I can’t place it at the moment, but it’s true:

“If you understand my problem better than I do, I’m going to listen to your solution.”

This sales page does a great job of explaining the problem Wallet Wipes solves.

Here’s how:

This simple illustration, complete with chocolate ice cream and mud references, accurately, simply, and grossly describes the reader’s problem in a way that he may have not considered before.

In a sense, this inspires trust.

It’s that “this person knows me better than I know myself” feeling.

Beyond that, it highlights a clear, gritty picture of the reader’s current situation (without the product, i.e. not good) in comparison with the reader’s potential future situation (with the product, i.e. very good).

Explain the problem your product solves simply, in vivid detail, preferably with a metaphor or an easily-understood illustration.

5. Always Anticipate The Reader’s Next Question.

This sales page flows well.

It does so by continuously answering the reader’s next question.

While I’m not intimately familiar with it, from what I understand, Joe Schriefer’s Copyboarding process helps a ton with this.

You can do this too.

What objections would people have about your product?

What questions will they have as they’re reading through the sales page?

Whatever the question, as soon as it pops up, your copy should address it.

This is how you keep a reader’s attention and give your copy a “slippery slope” feel like Joe Sugarman talks about.

6. Tone Holds Interest And Shows Awareness.

I got a lot of inspiration from TUSHY for this sales page.

They understand their market. And, while they’re edgy, it works.

This sales page is the same.

Harmon Brothers has obviously done some similar stuff in this niche with video, but the reader likely hasn’t seen a classic sales page with this tone…or at least, I haven’t.

So, not only is it unique, it presents the information in a way the reader will likely find humorous and entertaining.

As I’ve mentioned, I wouldn’t rely on humor alone to keep a reader moving through the copy, but a unique tone that resonates with your audience is likely to hold their attention and prove you “get” them.

I mean, just look at that alliteration!

But there is a hidden danger here.

While this sort of product/angle is unique, and I think it works for this page —

At times, it’s right on the verge of becoming trite.

And if you just hijack the uniqueness of other ads, you’re not unique, you’re a copycat.

If I wrote this page again, I’d lean less heavily on…

“It’s about butts lol”

And more on…

“This is a legitimate, valuable product that solves your problem better than anything else out there.”

7. Piggyback Off The Success Of Similar Products.

I had a lot of freedom with this due to the fact that Wallet Wipes is an imaginary product.

But regardless, I was able to take what works from the existing solution (toilet paper) and use it to make my product more appealing.

Wallet Wipes doesn’t introduce a whole new butt-wiping experience.

The copy even acknowledges where toilet paper gets it right (convenience) and incorporates that into the Wallet Wipes product.

The fact is —

Many products you’ll write about may not be that different from what’s currently out there. And your ability to write good copy leans heavily on how you can differentiate your product from what’s in the market.

But if there’s already a big market for similar products, the need is there and those existing products have clearly done something right.

So piggyback off their success!

Align your product with the things those other products get right, and then highlight what takes your product a step further and makes it unique.

8. Your Lead Should Highlight A Benefit Or Pain Point.

Listen, just because I like something doesn’t mean it works.

For example:

I love the lead in this sales page, but I don’t think it works for this format —

Or at least, I don’t think this style would work as well for any other type of product.

It’s too slow!

Your lead can be clever, that’s okay. But being witty should always come second to being effective.

Ideally, the lead in this sales page would grab the reader’s attention sooner with a benefit or pain point.

What We Can All Learn From A Sales Page (Mostly) About Butts

There are A LOT of things that go into writing a successful sales page, and many of them aren’t addressed here.

But, for the few that are, here’s what you’ve learned:

1. Your Headline Needs To Do A LOT Of Work.

2. Choose Clear Over Clever.

3. Open Loops Combined With Pain Points And Curiosity Are Like CopyCrack™.

4. Understand The Problem Deeply. Describe It Clearly. People Will Listen.

5. Always Anticipate The Reader’s Next Question.

6. Tone Holds Interest And Shows Awareness.

7. Piggyback Off The Success Of Similar Products.

8. Your Lead Should Highlight A Benefit Or Pain Point.

Use these tips when you write your next sales page, and when people ask how you wrote it —

Just tell ’em you learned everything you needed to know from a sales page about butts.

I Wrote A Sales Page (Mostly) About Butts. Here Are 8 Copywriting Lessons From It For Your Next Sales Page.