Note: This is the 3rd email breakdown in the series.

And click here for Email Breakdown #2.

When I was a sophomore in college, I gained 37lbs in 3 months.

I know what you’re thinking:

“Jesus, Robert! It’s called ‘The Freshman 15,’ not ‘The Sophomore 37!’ How did you do that!?”

Well… I actually did it on purpose.

You can get the full story here, but the TL;DR is that I had gotten skinny during the summer. So I decided to put on as much muscle (and weight, in general) as I could during the semester.

It was basically a bodybuilding experiment for myself.

But, in bodybuilding, the goal isn’t always just to pack on muscle all-over.

Sometimes, the goal is to add muscle to a specific area — the shoulders, the quads, calves, you name it.

It’s about accentuating specific features in order to achieve a goal (like winning a bodybuilding competition… or, more often, looking jacked AF on Instagram).

Anyway, I think this idea of “accentuating specific features” is something we can carry over into our review of the 3rd email in Brain.fm’s Welcome Sequence.

The bones are there. Overall, the structure is good. But I think there are some things we can play up and enhance to make this email as effective as possible.

So let’s do it.

Subject: “Checking in Robert — how was your first session?”

As I mentioned in Breakdown #2:

“Using the reader’s name in a subject line is a powerful way to grab attention. (Just don’t overdo it.)”

This is the 3rd email in a row that has used the subscriber’s name in the subject line…

Which is probably about the maximum amount you can get away with. The good news is that this is the last email in the sequence that does it.

So, while this toes the line of maximum acceptable usage — I think this subject line is probably alright.

That said, I’d love to test a different version of this email without the first name in the subject line and see if that affects performance at all.

I’d also love to see a more personal subject line here.

I don’t mean a subject line that says…

“Hey Robert from Nashville with brown curly hair — how was your first session?”

That would be terrifying. (“HOW DOES THIS APP KNOW WHAT COLOR MY HAIR IS!?”)

I mean a subject line that looks like it’s coming from a friend. Laura Belgray called this an “Email From A Bestie” (EFAB). And Chris Orzechowski calls it “Suspiciously Personal.”

Either way, these types of subject lines beg for attention. (Example below)

As it stands — you can read this email’s subject line and immediately recognize it’s coming from a company that’s (probably) trying to sell you something.

Sometimes, that’s okay.

But in this instance, I’d want to test subject lines like the following two (one without the subscriber’s name, and one with it — both very personal-sounding):

“so how’d it go?”

And…

“hey Robert — checking in”

More Difficult Than Playing Catch With A Football Covered In Vaseline (Again)

Like the second email in the Brain.fm Welcome Sequence, this email also opens with a question. Actually 2 questions.

Well, technically 3 questions — but we’ll get to that in a moment.

The first question…

“How did your first session go?”

… is okay because it’s short and conversational.

The second one, however, could be improved. It has the same challenge as the question in the opening of Email 2.

For reference, here’s the question at the beginning of Email 2:

“Have you ever felt so in flow with what you were doing, you lost track of time and achieved extraordinary results?”

And here’s the question at the beginning of Email 3 (the one we’re reviewing now):

“How did your results compare to regular music you listen to when doing that activity?”

Notice any similarities?

I’ll wait…

…

Okay, ready?

Both of these questions are vague.

They both ask about “results” without defining what “results” actually means. I don’t know about you, but I’m not tracking “results” while I’m listening to music.

I would guess that this question (and maybe even the one in Email 2) is worded vaguely so it can work for all the different ways you can use Brain.fm (Focus, Relaxation, Meditation, and Sleep)…

Because if you ask someone who listened to a “Meditation” track if they were more productive…

Then the question wouldn’t make sense.

Same thing if you asked someone who listened to a “Focus” track how their meditation session was…

It wouldn’t be consistent with their experience.

So I bet the question is worded vaguely to make it “work” for all types of users.

But the problem with trying to reach everyone is that you end up reaching no one.

That said, I do love the idea of having users pay attention to how Brain.fm affects them. So I’d want to test this same angle with slightly different copy. Something like…

Hey Robert,
How did your first Brain.fm session go?
A lot of our users report “losing track of time” during their first session, which means the music is working!
It’s designed to get you into that timeless “flow state” where work, meditation, and relaxing feel effortless.

This new version accomplishes a few things:

First, it can still work for all types of users. (That means tech implementation with Brain.fm’s email service provider will be much easier.)

Second, it removes the vague “results” phrasing and uses something more concrete — “losing track of time” — instead. A reader can immediately recognize whether they lost track of time while listening to Brain.fm or not. It’s more tangible.

And third, it’s a subtle reminder of the benefit of using the product — “getting into that timeless ‘flow state…’”

Here’s the next section:

“Does Anyone Else Hear That Weird Noise?”

At this point in the email, the reader has been asked 3 questions in a row.

The goal of these questions is to create a conversational tone for the email — which is great. Because when it comes to email copy, conversational is always better than stuffy.

That said, three questions in a row is too many.

Instead of feeling like they’re reading an email from a friend, the reader feels like they’re being interrogated.

Another thing to note:

While I like the word “thrumming,” I’m not sure the reader will know what it means.

Your copy should be so simple a 5th grader can understand it…

And I’m not sure a 5th grader would know what “faint thrumming” is.

I understand the logic behind it, because what you hear on Brain.fm literally is “faint thrumming.” It’s the most accurate phrasing to use. But I’m wondering if there’s a simpler way to describe it.

Maybe something like:

Did you hear that weird noise in the background?
That’s our process called Neural Phase Locking. Here’s how it works.

“Weird noise” is much less refined than “faint thrumming,” but that’s kind of the point.

Another quick note:

In the updated example, we’ve changed “that is” to “that’s” for a more conversational tone.

BAM! POW! MAGIC!

This section is where the magic happens. This is where we discover Brain.fm’s unique mechanism.

I love that it’s broken down into 4 short paragraphs. The formatting here is smart.

When you’re explaining a complicated concept, breaking it into steps like this can be a good idea.

And, despite what I said about keeping your copy simple a second ago…

I really like the “Neural Phase Locking” phrase. Because, like I mentioned in Breakdown #1:

“In general, when you’re writing copy, it’s best to keep things as simple as possible. But there is an exception…
And it’s when you need to show your expertise to gain the reader’s trust.”

“Neural Phase Locking” subtly communicates that the company understands the science behind why its product works. And that inspires confidence in the reader.

“This stuff seems wayyyy over my head. But the company clearly understands it. So I’ll trust their judgment.”

Also, look at the end of Bullet #1 and all of Bullet #2:

“Different speeds are associated with different states of mind.
With Brain.fm you pick your desired state (focus, relax, or sleep) and we play music designed by scientists and human composers at a speed associated with that state.”

In my opinion, this copy is the gold nugget of the company’s mechanism…

But the copy around it is complicated.

“Synchronized activity,” “functional networks,” “cognitive performance” — these are all complicated, abstract concepts.

And when you’re talking about complicated concepts like this, one of the best ways to explain them is to compare them to a process the reader is already familiar with.

(I learned this from Stefan Georgi’s RMBC course, which is fantastic if you want to write better sales letters and do it faster than ever before.)

So I’d want to test a version of this email that uses an analogy to describe the unique mechanism, like this:

Think about it like this:
You have 85 billion neurons in your brain (cells that transmit information to other cells).
These neurons are like cars driving on roads with different speed limits.
Different speeds are associated with different mental states.
So if your car is driving on a road with a 35-mph speed limit, you’ll feel relaxed…
And if your car is driving on a road with a 70-mph speed limit, you’ll feel focused.
With Brain.fm, you pick your desired “speed,” and we play special music that is associated with that speed.
Listening to the music puts your neurons on “cruise control” at your desired speed.
So if your “cruise control” is set at 35-mph, you’ll feel relaxed. If it’s set at 70-mph, you’ll feel focused.
That’s how Brain.fm lets you choose your desired mental state.

Note that this new example isn’t numbered like the original. But I still think it works, because it explains each part of the mechanism very simply.

Also, I’m not sure what compliance requirements Brain.fm has or what they are allowed to say about the science behind their product, so this section may need to be tweaked to account for that…

But the point is that an analogy would work really well here.

More Proof, Please

I love that Brain.fm is putting its money where its mouth is.

It’s easy to say that your product works. But they’re setting out to actually prove it. Check out this quote from their “Science” page, which is where this emails links to:

“We test our music rigorously despite the expense, because we understand that strong claims require stronger evidence.”

😍 😍 😍

The world needs more businesses like that.

That said, I’d love to see a version of this email that looks more like the end of Email 2 — which highlights a few key stats and provides a link.

Here’s the screenshot of Email 2 again:

In general, it’s good practice not to make your reader work too hard.

A good question to ask yourself when writing is:

“Have I made this as clear as possible?”

If the answer is “no,” then it’s worth taking a second look and seeing if you can re-word what you’ve written.

When it comes to the end of Email 3, instead of asking the reader to dive into the science, I’d love to see a version of this email that gives us the TL;DR version.

Why is the research grant important?
What will we see in the EEG tests?
What are the important facts from the whitepapers?

While some people will click the link to learn more about the science, if you have something impressive to tell your reader about your product, don’t bury it…

Put it front-and-center.

Takeaways From Brain.fm Email #3

Subject lines that look like they have been written by a close friend are a great way to grab a reader’s attention. (As with anything, don’t overdo it. Chris Orzechowski’s advice is to treat these like a dash of cayenne pepper.)
If you’re going to start your email with a question — make it a simple one. Or, at the very least, make sure it’s not vague. Vague questions are confusing, and they take your reader off the “slippery slope” you want to create with your copy.
Don’t ask too many questions in one email. Readers will feel like they’re being interrogated (which is not how you want them to feel).
Choose simpler phrases over complicated ones.
You can use complicated phrases (sparingly) when you want to demonstrate expertise.
When explaining a complicated concept, it can be helpful to use bullets or numbers to break up your copy.
Also when explaining a complicated (or abstract) concept, see if you can use an analogy to make it more concrete and understandable for your reader.
Don’t just tell readers your product works — show them with stats, quotes, and studies.
When writing, ask yourself “Have I made this as clear as possible?” If not, re-write it.
If you have something impressive to say about your product, put it front-and-center.

If you’ve made it this far, you’ll probably enjoy my emails too.

Click here to join my email list (and get free access to my subject line copywriting handbook, Subject Line Shortcuts.)

Brain.fm Email Breakdown #3